If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me