My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.