I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
this could fix me
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.