Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft