Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Thank you corporation very cool
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.