Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
checking out some reviews of my local library
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up