[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday