The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*