Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
You Might Also Like
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Miscakes
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.