The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
2023 was just a warmup
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison