So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Webb. James Webb.