Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Don’t talk down to me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)