Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Just me?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.