my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
me when I see my crush
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.