“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked