Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
You Might Also Like
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
(yawn)
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.