6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
synchronized noseblowing
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza