Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.