People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
You Might Also Like
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*puts words between two asterisks*
incredible text to wake up to
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Sharon, call the vet
The cashier just checked me out.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool