Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Dietest Coke
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi