The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
We need to put an American base on the sun
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.