Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me