[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me driving through Toronto
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery