Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are