Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
#merica
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.