I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
SCARY COSTUME
I was just discussing this with my cat
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.