Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.