Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Venn
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Our lord and savoury.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?