My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare