Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
You Might Also Like
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.