FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.