I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
This is my bus stop.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I pray every night that I never become religious…