I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
This was a bad idea all around
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow