Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
live long and prosper!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve