me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I think this cat is broken
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.