Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Has there ever been a more American story?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire