My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
True.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Lmbo