You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Sharon I have some bad news
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.