It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.