I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
when nothing goes right… go left
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.