I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I need this for my side hustle.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
From Facebook just now…
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act