beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller