Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.