6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
From Facebook just now…
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.