(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc