FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh