ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.