“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I forgot how to panic. Help
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.