My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Said the murderer.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments