[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Support your local cemetery
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now